After winning the gold medal for women’s synchronized springboard diving on Sunday afternoon, Chinese diver Wu Minxia got some terrible news. Her mom and dad told her that her Grandparents died. Over a year ago. You can read the full article here.
How fucked up is that?
Here now, from the home office in London, England come the top ten OTHER things told to Wu Minxia AFTER she won the gold:
10) We almost murdered you as an infant because you weren’t born a man.
9) When you were 6, we didn’t really take the cat to live with Aunt Ethel — we ate it.
8) What you know as “math” is made up. We didn’t want to fill your head with other things.
7) Have you seen “Weekend at Bernie’s”? Uncle Ping wasn’t really at your 12th birthday.
6) No, it’s not normal to sleep in a water tank tied around a barrel to soften your spine.
5) Disneyland didn’t burn down in a horrific fire killing 5,000 kids. We’re still not going.
4) That time you thought you met Michael Phelps? Nope. Chuck Testa.
3) China did not win World War II, but we will be the cause of World War III.
2) We have a job for you in an iPhone factory.
1) Those aren’t olives.