Note: I believe these may apply to American women only…
1) Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2) Five Minutes - If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3) Nothing - This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4) Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it!!
5) *Loud Sigh* - This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6) That’s Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7) Thanks - A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’).
8) Whatever - Is a woman’s way of saying FUCK YOU!
9) Don’t worry about it, I got it - Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3. (read less)
A Mexican, an Arab, and a girl from Arizona are in the same bar drinking beer...
When the Mexican finishes his Sol Cerveza, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, “In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don’t need to drink with the same one twice.”
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, finishes his O’Douls non-alcoholic beer (because he’s a Muslim), throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, “In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don’t need to drink with the same one twice either.”
The girl from Arizona, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, “In Arizona, we have so many illegal aliens that we don’t have to drink with the same ones twice.”
Overheard in the Cathay Pacific First Class Lounge
British Businessman:You should watch your things more closely.
Angry German Engineer:Why? We're in the First Class Lounge. I'm pretty sure that if my drink gets warm, the waiter will be executed by a firing squad and the Chinese government will send his family the bill for the bullet.
British Businessman:Indeed, but you may wish to exercise discretion with your gadgets.
Angry German Engineer:Let me ask you something... have you ever seen a man thrown in to a Rolls Royce AE 3007 Turbo Fan?
Angry German Engineer:Touch my shit and you'll get a first hand look.
Hookah smoking is not safer than cigarette smoking. Also known as narghile, shisha and goza, a hookah is a water pipe with a smoke chamber, a bowl, a pipe and a hose. Specially made tobacco is heated, and the smoke passes through water and is then drawn through a rubber hose to a mouthpiece. The tobacco is no less toxic in a hookah pipe, and the water in the hookah does not filter out the toxic ingredients in the tobacco smoke. Hookah smokers may actually inhale more tobacco smoke than cigarette smokers do because of the large volume of smoke they inhale in one smoking session, which can last as long as 60 minutes.
While research about hookah smoking is still emerging, evidence shows that it poses many dangers:
Hookah smoke contains high levels of toxic compounds, including tar, carbon monoxide, heavy metals and cancer-causing chemicals (carcinogens). In fact, hookah smokers are exposed to more carbon monoxide and smoke than are cigarette smokers.
As with cigarette smoking, hookah smoking is linked to lung and oral cancers, heart disease and other serious illnesses.
Hookah smoking delivers about the same amount of nicotine as cigarette smoking does, possibly leading to tobacco dependence.
Hookah smoke poses dangers associated with secondhand smoke.
Hookah smoking by pregnant women can result in low birth weight babies.
Hookah pipes used in hookah bars and cafes may not be cleaned properly, risking the spread of infectious diseases.
U.S. regulators will claim authority over companies offering Internet access in a setback for AT&T Inc. and Comcast Corp. and a win for Web content providers such as Google Inc., Amazon.com Inc. and EBay Inc.
The decision by Genachowski will let the FCC “ensure consumers are fully protected against blocking or degradation of websites and applications of their choice by broadband providers,” said Markham Erickson, executive director of the Open Internet Coalition, in an e-mailed statement.
Much has been said of this whole “Naturalized Citizen” situation regarding that dude that tried to blow up the building I work in. I’m in favor of open immigration, but maybe we should “up” the requirements? Oath’s don’t mean a thing. (There’s a divorce joke in there somewhere) Knowing what’s on page 4 of your passport is worthless.
Here now, from the home office in Washington, DC… 10 songs that every American should know by heart:
10) Billy Joel, Scenes From An Italian Restaurant: Nothing captures the American condition of the previous 30 years like this song.
9) Guns-n-Roses, Paradise City: Must, must, must be able to do this one with no backing track.
8) Frank Sinatra, Theme from New York New York AND Jay-Z, Empire State of Mind: ‘nuff said.
7) Sublime, Wrong Way: Don’t do it the wrong way!
6) Kaiser Chiefs, Na na na na na: This one’s a gimme for the non-English speakers.
5) The Beatles, Hard Days Night: They’re American, right?
4) Jimmy Buffet, Margaritaville: IF you really get this song, you’ll realize that making bombs is just way too much work and you’d rather just have a beer on the beach instead…
3) Bon Jovi, Living on a Prayer: If you don’t want to pray, that’s cool. But you should know what it means.
2) Tomorrow, from “Annie”
1) Journey, Don’t Stop Believin’: Because when you do, it’s all over…
Someone get Obama off the golf course and on this, ASAP.
Normally, time flies. I mean, I feel like it was only yesterday that I was sitting on the bedroom floor of the house I grew up in in Levittown listening to a Belinda Carlisle album while talking on a yellow corded, rotary dial phone stretched all the way from the kitchen with my good friend Allie…
But for some reason, the last few weeks seem to have dragged on.
So, what’s a boy to do to stay out of trouble in the big city?
1) Call every woman you know who has a child and ask her how her day was and how her kids are. That’ll eat up an ungodly amount of time… (BTW, everyone is good, but Ashley was asked to stay home from school last week for a day to think about why throwing a rock at a car wasn’t a good idea.)
3) Chores: Paint the wall, clean behind the fridge, hang that art you’ve been neglecting, refill the soap dispensers, grocery shopping, clean the espresso machine, check the window seal in the bathroom, dust the shelves, polish your shoes, detail the car, harass the bike store because your bike still isn’t in, pick up all the clothes you bought over the last few weeks, Frying Pan, stare out the window…